Dani Bogatie Blog
The girl who 'doesn't know how pretty she is' has to be one of the most romanticised images in modern society.
Do you know what's even more beautiful? The girl who does. The woman who knows her eyes are a unique display of colour that another soul could get lost in. The woman who knows her smile lights up her whole face. Who knows her body is powerful and her curves are wonderful. Stop feeling ashamed for liking something about yourself! From a young age the media, and other influences, teach girls to be self-conscious. In 7th grade I wanted to be like the older girls who went on diets and complained about their body. There was nothing wrong with my body, (there is nothing wrong with any body), yet I stood in front of the mirror everyday until I convinced myself I was fat. Then I felt accepted. Validated. The world thrives upon self-doubt. The beauty and fashion industries thrive on it. Social media feeds upon it. We need to stop romanticising modesty, humility and being self-conscious. There is something unexplainably beautiful about a woman who loves the skin she lives in, and that's where I want to be. Do not shut yourself down when you feel good about your appearance. It's okay to stare at yourself in the mirror all day because you feel beautiful. You are beautiful! Do not feel guilty for noticing it, feel proud! You are allowed to love your drawings. You are allowed to love your writing, your mind, what you see in the mirror. You are allowed to love yourself.
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A while ago my mum told me that 'people are mirrors'.
We are only able to see things in another person if they already exist within ourselves. I am so grateful to her for introducing me to this concept, for giving me another way to look at the world - (perspective). This mindset provokes questioning, and questioning is good. ‘How can someone be so ignorant?’ ‘Does no one else see how immature this behaviour is?’ If the ‘mirror concept’ (as I am now deciding to call it) is applied to these questions, it becomes apparent, to me at least, that this ignorance can only be seen by another person because it was once experienced. I am able see that my friend is behaving immaturely, because not long ago I would have behaved in the exact same way. When we realise that other people’s flaws reflect our own, we are able to release them from judgement. As hard as it may be to accept, it is unfair to hold people to actions you deem ‘wrong’, when you too experienced those feelings at one stage. As humans we are prone to judgement and negativity; recognising other people’s shortfalls, but that is not all we are capable of. Mankind likes to romanticise life. To see beauty in small things, positivity in others. When we admire another person, recognise their strengths, we are able to see these qualities because the very same potential exists within ourselves. It is quite beautiful to think of every person mirroring one another in certain ways, yet also being so unique.
I was around 7 years old when I realised I loved maths. I would ask my dad to give me sums and see how fast I could do them. In prep I was the first person in my class who learnt to read. My teacher asked me to read out loud to the class and I felt important. Afterwards everyone clapped. In second grade I wrote everyone else's short stories, as well as my own, because it was fun, and my friends liked it when I helped them. I'm fifth grade I got put in an 'extension' class, with the highest academic achieving 20 kids in my grades and it was the best year of my life. Then I got to grade 6, and I realised that it wasn't cool to be smart anymore. My friends used to be impressed when I got good grades and I felt special, but suddenly I was just a nerd. I didn't want to read my stories to the class or do complex maths sums anymore, I just wanted to be normal. So I decided that I wouldn't be a 'nerd' anymore. I stopped listening in class and started talking to my friends instead. I didn't do any homework, I didn't study for exams and I definitely didn't try. I didn't want to be the 'smart girl' I wanted to be the 'pretty girl'. I wanted to rely on other people for help. I wanted to be the dumb, popular girl, more than anything else. So I tried. I tried so, so hard to make people see me like that. And you know what? it actually worked. People were surprised when I got an A in maths, because I seemed so ditzy. Girls asked me what mascara I used and where I got my hair done. No one thought I could help them with their assignments or homework. I was the first one to colour my hair and wear makeup to school. All I wanted was for people to see me as 'pretty' and nothing else. People knowing how smart I really was became my biggest fear. Now I'm realising how flawed that desire was, and questioning how society, or the schooling system, or my subconscious, convinced a little girl that she needed to dull her bright mind and wear a little more makeup to be seen as valuable. I can blame society all I want, but I was the one who convinced myself that being pretty was the only thing that could validate me. Being smart is beautiful. Having intelligence is an asset. Being good with words is a valuable skill and having a problem solving brain is important. I wish that I didn't feel ashamed for understanding things so quickly in primary school. I wish I didn't try so hard to hide the fact that reading was my favourite thing to do on the weekends. I wish I didn't spend so many years trying to hold back from learning so I could be like my friends. It's taken me 16 years to realise that the world is not divided into 'smart' girls and 'pretty' girls, and to associate a beautiful mind with outer beauty (how cliche). I wish I could go back to my young self and tell her that her mind is wonderful, and to embrace her talents. Now I'm struggling to pass high school maths, I still don't do my homework or listen in class, out of habit, and I've never learnt how to study. I'm tying to change, to put in the effort, but it's sad that if I hadn't already forced myself to change when I was younger I may not have to do it now. I have always thought that loving another person meant becoming oblivious to their flaws.
I am a perfectionist at times, and I've subconsciously applied this nature toward my belief of what love should be. I perceived loving another person to mean seeing perfection in someone. No matter how hard I try I cannot fail to judge, to see people's worst qualities amidst their beauty. And this is why I am scared of love, because I am threatened by it. I cannot imaging looking so far past a person's flaws that I can no longer see them. To me, this is ignorance. This is naive. I am scared of being ignorant or naive, of becoming less aware, vulnerable. I am scared of lots of things. Tonight I realised that loving another person doesn't have to be perfect. To love someone you don't have to only see the good, you simply have to accept the bad. I don't need to fear love, I already experience it daily. In my world, loving my friends is getting to spend hours curling their hair and doing their makeup. Being loved is hearing that I am valuable, or being shown in someone's quiet, broken way. We all tolerate each other, and on some level I believe we all love each other. The world will never stop judging. I will never stop judging. But beneath that is acceptance. And acceptance is love. Love is not ignorant, nor blind. Love is everywhere. There is an unexplainable amount of freedom that comes with dressing the way you want to. Can I just take a moment to tell you right now what I wish someone had told me a few years ago?
You do not have to wear short shorts in summer if you hate the way they make your legs look. You don't have to avoid sitting down all day because your thighs will look fat. You do not have to wear that tight, two-piece Kookai dress to the party if you're gonna spend the whole night worrying about the way it hugs your figure and shows your arms. You do not have to wear a bikini to the beach it means you'll skip eating the whole day so your stomach looks okay. Don't waste you're time dressing like 'everyone else' and worrying about whether you could ever look as good as them, because let me tell you, it does not matter. Be the girl in the flowy, patterned dress at the party. Wear that cute one-piece, or those high-waisted bikini bottoms to the beach, even if none of your friends are. I guarantee you that the day you decide to start dressing for yourself and wearing clothes because you like them, not because some Instagram trend told you they were cool, you will experience pure freedom. The parties will be more fun, because you'll be able to dance in your vintage jeans and not worry about how your body looks. You'll want to actually swim at the beach, and sit down and eat fish and chips with your friends. Wear that ugly, floral shirt. Wear a men's T as a dress. If you love short shorts, please wear them. If you feel confident in that tight dress then wear it! If you think Doc Martens are ugly, over-priced school shoes then please don't buy them anyway so you can pretend to be 'alternative.' Be honest and genuine in the way you dress, use clothes as a medium to express your individuality. The way you dress is your art, have fun with it. Developing your own style is important and empowering and originality brings blissful freedom. I am grateful to the girl who showed up at a house party wearing a long skirt and a scrunchie. I hope I can inspire young girls to break away from 'normal'. A while ago I wrote this:
"I want to cut my hair and make it my natural brown, stop plucking my eyebrows, stop wearing makeup and using fake tan. Stop dressing to show my body and working out to impress other people. I'm sick of being the pretty blonde girl at the party, because at the end of the night, that's all I am. I'm sick of being catcalled as I walk around the streets in my short tight dress, makeup done for the party. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to know my soul inside out. I want to shave my legs and exfoliate my body because I like being soft and clean, not so someone can touch me. I want to put away the mirror and maybe if I stop focusing all my energy into how I physically look than people will stop noticing that alone. I want to feed my starving soul with my own love, until I grow into a person I am completely in love with. Because self love is important, and I am important. I want to find someone who is in love with my roots, my soul. But until then I will continue to work on myself. And everyday I will grow." In all honesty, I wrote this out of anger and self-hate. Yet beneath that was a deep-rooted craving for change. I wanted to change the way people see me. Needed it. And now I'm smiling while writing this, because I actually began to follow through and do what I said I wanted. I haven't coloured my hair for 2 months, haven't worn makeup to school for 3 weeks. Only fake-tanned when I felt like it, not because I 'had to'. To you these may seem like small things, insignificant even. But to me these are little victories. Please do not misunderstand. Makeup and hair dye do not make a person fake, or change their worth or values. But I had begun to place a dangerous importance on these things alone. I was becoming wholly superficial. All my worth lay in materialism, the way I looked. I cared more about whether the world saw me without foundation than I did about how my personality was being perceived. This was toxic, so toxic. I was left empty and desperate for attention. So when I say 'I haven't worn makeup in 2 weeks' it is a big deal. I feel more like myself, and I am proud of where I am I despise negativity. There is nothing I cannot stand more than people who choose to say bad things about their 'friends', who fight with kind-hearted people for stupid reasons and have tendencies for overreaction. So why do I continue to see the worst in everyone?
I need to be kind to myself, so I can be kind to other people. I can be mean, so mean. Sometimes I can literally see the hurt in someone's eyes while talking to someone, yet in the moment I don't care. But later I cry. And I mourn for the happiness and confidence I've crushed today. I make people feel stupid, self-conscious, pretentious. Maybe it's because that's how I am, or how I see myself, and I cannot help but transfer the negative energy onto everyone I interact with. But NO human is inherently stupid or wholly pretentious. Each soul and body is beautiful. Each mind is complex and brilliant. Every thought and comment is valuable. Humanity is broken, but humanity is beautiful. I want to help reveal this beauty to other people. I need to show my friends how wonderful and important they are. Help people to dream and realise their potential. Romanticise life, and people. I guess that begins with me. The only way to embody and spread this beautiful love and light in a way that is genuine is to accept myself. So I will work hard on self-love. It is not selfish to love yourself, it is the best thing you could possibly do, for everyone Hey
(For those who don't know me, my name is Dani. I'm a teenage girl living in the Gold Coast, Australia). When I was around 13 I bought a small black journal, with 365 numbered pages, and planned to write something everyday for the whole year. Almost four years later I still have this book, and it's not finished. I am not a sentimental person. Last year I moved overseas and brought nothing with me except a single suitcase of clothes, and my journal. This book is my outlet, a vessel for my thoughts. I wrote scriptures in it when I felt strongly about God. I wrote letters in it when I wasn't brave enough to tell people how I felt. And now I simply write my thoughts, when I have the time. This has always been something personal, yet lately I've had a strong desire to share this book with people. Not all of it, some parts will remain forever mine alone, but at least a small part of it. I feel like people don't always get to see, or understand, my real self. I only present a certain part to the world, but my actions don't reflect all of my being. 'It's easier said than done', that's true. So I'll begin by letting people hear and read what I have to say. I don't really know where this will go, I guess I'll just leave this here for now. Maybe in 365 days I will have an honest, beautiful, full, digital journal to share. |