Dani Bogatie Blog
A while ago I wrote this:
"I want to cut my hair and make it my natural brown, stop plucking my eyebrows, stop wearing makeup and using fake tan. Stop dressing to show my body and working out to impress other people. I'm sick of being the pretty blonde girl at the party, because at the end of the night, that's all I am. I'm sick of being catcalled as I walk around the streets in my short tight dress, makeup done for the party. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to know my soul inside out. I want to shave my legs and exfoliate my body because I like being soft and clean, not so someone can touch me. I want to put away the mirror and maybe if I stop focusing all my energy into how I physically look than people will stop noticing that alone. I want to feed my starving soul with my own love, until I grow into a person I am completely in love with. Because self love is important, and I am important. I want to find someone who is in love with my roots, my soul. But until then I will continue to work on myself. And everyday I will grow." In all honesty, I wrote this out of anger and self-hate. Yet beneath that was a deep-rooted craving for change. I wanted to change the way people see me. Needed it. And now I'm smiling while writing this, because I actually began to follow through and do what I said I wanted. I haven't coloured my hair for 2 months, haven't worn makeup to school for 3 weeks. Only fake-tanned when I felt like it, not because I 'had to'. To you these may seem like small things, insignificant even. But to me these are little victories. Please do not misunderstand. Makeup and hair dye do not make a person fake, or change their worth or values. But I had begun to place a dangerous importance on these things alone. I was becoming wholly superficial. All my worth lay in materialism, the way I looked. I cared more about whether the world saw me without foundation than I did about how my personality was being perceived. This was toxic, so toxic. I was left empty and desperate for attention. So when I say 'I haven't worn makeup in 2 weeks' it is a big deal. I feel more like myself, and I am proud of where I am
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I despise negativity. There is nothing I cannot stand more than people who choose to say bad things about their 'friends', who fight with kind-hearted people for stupid reasons and have tendencies for overreaction. So why do I continue to see the worst in everyone?
I need to be kind to myself, so I can be kind to other people. I can be mean, so mean. Sometimes I can literally see the hurt in someone's eyes while talking to someone, yet in the moment I don't care. But later I cry. And I mourn for the happiness and confidence I've crushed today. I make people feel stupid, self-conscious, pretentious. Maybe it's because that's how I am, or how I see myself, and I cannot help but transfer the negative energy onto everyone I interact with. But NO human is inherently stupid or wholly pretentious. Each soul and body is beautiful. Each mind is complex and brilliant. Every thought and comment is valuable. Humanity is broken, but humanity is beautiful. I want to help reveal this beauty to other people. I need to show my friends how wonderful and important they are. Help people to dream and realise their potential. Romanticise life, and people. I guess that begins with me. The only way to embody and spread this beautiful love and light in a way that is genuine is to accept myself. So I will work hard on self-love. It is not selfish to love yourself, it is the best thing you could possibly do, for everyone Hey
(For those who don't know me, my name is Dani. I'm a teenage girl living in the Gold Coast, Australia). When I was around 13 I bought a small black journal, with 365 numbered pages, and planned to write something everyday for the whole year. Almost four years later I still have this book, and it's not finished. I am not a sentimental person. Last year I moved overseas and brought nothing with me except a single suitcase of clothes, and my journal. This book is my outlet, a vessel for my thoughts. I wrote scriptures in it when I felt strongly about God. I wrote letters in it when I wasn't brave enough to tell people how I felt. And now I simply write my thoughts, when I have the time. This has always been something personal, yet lately I've had a strong desire to share this book with people. Not all of it, some parts will remain forever mine alone, but at least a small part of it. I feel like people don't always get to see, or understand, my real self. I only present a certain part to the world, but my actions don't reflect all of my being. 'It's easier said than done', that's true. So I'll begin by letting people hear and read what I have to say. I don't really know where this will go, I guess I'll just leave this here for now. Maybe in 365 days I will have an honest, beautiful, full, digital journal to share. |